This Piece Of Road

Oh Lord, Lord, Lord...
This piece of road is cobbled like my heart today
Is empty like my stomach
Is steep like the cliffs in my eyes
Falling
Rolling
Down.

Oh Lord, Lord, Lord...
This piece of road seems  not walkable today
It pushes up
Heavy against the bottoms of my feet
Hidden shards of broken bottles
Cut me
Again and again
And Again

(written back in March (i think) while in Milwaukee)

This Gipsy

(This entry won't be poetic)

Sitting here in my dressing room
Act III of A Raisin In The Sun
Playing George Murchison so I have a lot of time to myself
Sitting here
Worried
Trying to hold on to a feeling of gratitude for the blessing of this job
Knowing that there are a lot of actors who are unemployed
Trying to stay positive
But worried
Again
About the next moment
About the great unknown
This thing that I do
This thing that compels me
For I know that I would not
Could not survive this life
If I were not able to do what God put me here to do
What my ancestors fought for
My right to follow my calling
So for that, I am grateful
Because I want to live

This is my calling
I really had no choice
I HAD to do this
The few times when I've looked to other shores
I've not been able to breathe
I've found myself drowning
Dying
Slowly
And that is why I know that if I want to live I have to follow this elusive thing
It pulls me like the tide married to a thousand ancient moons

But Lord, why is it still so difficult?
Why, after 29 years, am I still wondering how it is that I'll be able to make this month's bills?
Why, after all this time; all this work; all this life lived
Why am I back at this perpetual ledge of self-reflection?
Self-criticism
Uncertainty
Humbled to admit that I am what I am/where I am/all that I am
A black man in the american Theatre
A black man who looks Asian/Spanish/Mixed/Filipino/Indian (Not Blackfoot but BlackIndia)
Guyanese/African American/African Caribbean
A man in the theatre

"Where are you from?"
"What should we do?"
"We need to create our own stuff."
"Why don't we support our own stuff?"
"There's Tyler..."
"Don't hate the brother. He's doing his thing."
"Why don't we create our own stuff?"
"We have enough money in our communities."
"We have issues."
"Whose money should we take?"
"We talk about this all the time."
"I've had this conversation before."

I don't know what the answer is.
Does somebody
Anybody
Have an answer?
Have a new perspective?

We are a beautiful people
With a light that survived the middle-passage
The sugar cane
The rice
The tobacco
Plantations

The journey north
The rope
Hoses
Fires
Fear

Does anyone have an answer
A new perspective
Because I'm at that ledge again
And it's almost time for curtain call
And this gipsy is worried
More than ever
If there will be another one
In his future

I love my children
And so...

I've Been Traveling

I haven't written for a while
But I've been traveling

From Guyana
To Chicago
To DC
To Cincinnati
Where I saw Jesus
In a crocheted scarf
Newly made
From fingers of love

I've been traveling

To Minneapolis
Again

To Minneapolis

Again

I've been traveling

Where I
Some twenty years ago
Found home in a place
Called Mixed Blood
So it was fitting
To return there
Where it all began
With Black Belts
And I-beams
With, "Jack, I'm an actor too..."
And "I haven't forgotten."
With, "I'm a musician, too. I write songs..."
And "I know."

And so it was
That in the Land
Of Ten Thousand Lakes
And Things
That I was blessed
With opportunities

To Succeed

And fail

To work

And grow

To live

That I was
Blessed
With the Opportunity
To help
To create
My greatest gifts

A son
A daughter
A reason
To live
To live
A better life
Each day

And so it was
And is
That I continue
Traveling on
This journey
This journey that brought me to
Milwaukee
Last night
Tired
Smiling
Ready to turn the page
Blank with possibilities

Ready to go for a run
And find my people
Like I always do
In a new town
My "my People" radar
Never fails me
In a new town
Never

So I know I haven't written
I know that it's been while

Yet I will find
Us

I will find
Me

I will find
It

I will find
You

I always do
No matter where
I've been traveling

The Burial

Two days ago
I helped to slide a box
That held
The shell
Of a woman
Who was my grandmother
Into a cement room
The box coming to a gritty halt
At an angle which left me unfulfilled
On top of another vaulted dwelling
That houses my grandfather's shell
Next to yet another where my favorite auntie

A Saint
Is laid.

And there they will stay

Until the winds
And storms
Of a future time
Scatter the dust of their remains
Into a a new world which I cannot conceive.

Two days ago

I
Along with Seven other Men
Navigated two precarious wooden planks
As we crossed the trench
And landed on a small patch of mud and grass and Ashes

And Old

Carrying a beautiful brown Wooden box
Which held within its finite walls
A beautiful Brown Lady
Who looked vaguely familiar
Yet Nothing like I had imagined.

And the women

Her daughters
Sang hymns
As a stranger
Poured water
And mixed
More Cement
Piecing together
A jigsaw puzzle
Of stone
And mud
The wall
The gate
Growing in size
Until it reached the top

More water

More hymns
Bodies shifting
High heels magically remaining upright
In the uneven Earth
In the old.

Two days ago

As the dusk landed on our heads
And in our hearts
We celebrated the end of an era
As a stranger smoothed the last of the wet cement
With indifference
And my cousin carved the brown lady's  beginning and end
With lines that slanted
The woman who gave me warm bread

Every day

Was finally laid to rest
Leaving us
Her family
Her tribe
Here
To Carry on

Salt Fish and Bakes

104 years old

My grandmother has one foot in this world
And one foot in the next
Granny
I pray that your journey is full of joy and laughter
I pray that Granddad is right there waiting for you
I pray that all your undeniable faith is rewarded
I pray that you're okay

I love you with all the heart that you gave me

You took me in
When no one else would
You gave me safety
And Bread
Special hugs with arms that felt as if made for me

You also tore this ass up
On many
Many
Afternoons
As the salt water breeze came through the 3rd street window
To a chorus of "NO GRANNY, IT WASN'T ME"

We all got it
"and in this judgement there is no partiality..."

You gave so much
To so many

A legend
Built from sheer will
Sweat
Solid arms
And bread baked every afternoon
Bread that would be shared with all who were fortunate enough
To walk up the steps on the side of the house
And venture in
To Granny's house

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Adams"
Serene
Mums
Itta
Granny

So I pray for you this day
Wishing that I could do more
Knowing that what I can do
Will do
Must do
Is all because of you
And your You
The beauty of it
Undeniable
Unshakable

Serene
Madeline
VanSluytman
Adams

Granny
Gran
Granny
Gran
Granny
Gran

Granny.

Safe

~As we approach our final week of performances
It has become more clear than ever what a gift this play - The Brothers Size - has been~

Such is this gift
That I don't want to let it go
Yet I must

This has been one of those moments that, as an actor, I have craved
The timing has been perfect
It has allowed me to grow and journey
Into the fertile land that is the love between Black Men
A love that I continue
A love that I try to throw against the wall in my work
A love that has pulled me, pushed me, held me, terrified me, kept me
For most of my years
Alive

Such is this gift
That I feel I can't let it go
Yet I think I must

As is the case at the end of every run
One moves on
One lets go and moves forward
With hopefully a little more than when he started

Yet

This play - The Brothers Size
Has brought back to life my best friend who was... is... is...
Elegba
Lil Legba
Legba
Drifting like the moon
Appearing at my window
Like a Glimmer Of moonLight
For a moment
Standing in the early morning air
For a moment
Singing a song
Eating candy
For a moment
Is gone
Is gone?

Such is this gift
That I don't want to let it go
Must I?
Should I?
Dare I?

"Hell to the nah!"
This is one of those gifts that comes along once in a LifeTime!
Once!

So I think I'll keep this one
Sew up this hole in my pocket
And place it there
Safe
Safe

I'll keep this one
Put it in my pocket
Take these pants off
Put them in a secret
Safe
In the moonlight
Safe
From the midnight riders
Safe

Safe!

My Gratitude

A rainy, chilly morning in the Mini Apple.

I miss my kids.

Even though I saw my son's football game yesterday

And relived so many childhood and adolescent memories through the way he played

The way he moved

Even though I saw him

Looked into his eyes

I miss him this morning

I miss his sister

My daughter

Even though we're in the general vicinity of each other

Even thought we "connect" through texts and messages and distant laughter

I miss her

I miss her mind

I miss her heart

I miss her hugs

The way she would rub my head when I wasn't feeling well

And tell me stories until I fell asleep

My STRENGTH and WISDOM

My PRIDE and JOY

I miss you

I miss you both

You are my gratitude

You are my breath

You are my gratitude

You are my breath

You are my gratitude

You are my breath...