Sitting here in my dressing room
Act III of A Raisin In The Sun
Playing George Murchison so I have a lot of time to myself
Sitting here
Worried
Trying to hold on to a feeling of gratitude for the blessing of this job
Knowing that there are a lot of actors who are unemployed
Trying to stay positive
But worried
Again
About the next moment
About the great unknown
This thing that I do
This thing that compels me
For I know that I would not
Could not survive this life
If I were not able to do what God put me here to do
What my ancestors fought for
My right to follow my calling
So for that, I am grateful
Because I want to live
This is my calling
I really had no choice
I HAD to do this
The few times when I've looked to other shores
I've not been able to breathe
I've found myself drowning
Dying
Slowly
And that is why I know that if I want to live I have to follow this elusive thing
It pulls me like the tide married to a thousand ancient moons
But Lord, why is it still so difficult?
Why, after 29 years, am I still wondering how it is that I'll be able to make this month's bills?
Why, after all this time; all this work; all this life lived
Why am I back at this perpetual ledge of self-reflection?
Self-criticism
Uncertainty
Humbled to admit that I am what I am/where I am/all that I am
A black man in the american Theatre
A black man who looks Asian/Spanish/Mixed/Filipino/Indian (Not Blackfoot but BlackIndia)
Guyanese/African American/African Caribbean
A man in the theatre
"Where are you from?"
"What should we do?"
"We need to create our own stuff."
"Why don't we support our own stuff?"
"There's Tyler..."
"Don't hate the brother. He's doing his thing."
"Why don't we create our own stuff?"
"We have enough money in our communities."
"We have issues."
"Whose money should we take?"
"We talk about this all the time."
"I've had this conversation before."
I don't know what the answer is.
Does somebody
Anybody
Have an answer?
Have a new perspective?
We are a beautiful people
With a light that survived the middle-passage
The sugar cane
The rice
The tobacco
Plantations
The journey north
The rope
Hoses
Fires
Fear
Does anyone have an answer
A new perspective
Because I'm at that ledge again
And it's almost time for curtain call
And this gipsy is worried
More than ever
If there will be another one
In his future
I love my children
And so...
